STREETGANG OR BASEBALL TEAM

Cast:

Announcer
Fred Hanson (Host)
Kevin Williams (Guest)
Various gangmembers and baseball players.
Audience


Sketch opens on a title card. The card reads "Street Gang or Baseball Team?" High energy music plays in the background.

ANNOUNCER: Live from the South Bronx, NY, it's time for...

AUDIENCE: (in unison) Street Gang or Baseball Team!

ANNOUNCER: That's right. It's "Street Gang or Baseball Team?" the game show that forces contestants to answer the question, "Is that a menancing street gang or just an ordinary baseball team approaching me on the sidewalk?" in 20 seconds or less.

The music ends with a flourish.

ANNOUNCER: And now, here's your host. (drawing the name out) Fredddd Hannnsonnn!

Fred Hanson, oozing Vegas charm, comes bouncing onstage with a microphone in his hand.

FRED: Welcome everybody to "Street Gang or Baseball Team?" It's the show where contestants have to answer the question New York pedestrians ask everyday. "Is that a Louisville Slugger in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"

Canned laughter rings out.

FRED: But seriously, folks. We've got a great lineup tonight. So let's get started. Who's our first contestant for the night, Johnny?

ANNOUNCER: That would be Kevin Williams from Riverdale.

Hearing his name Kevin bounds up on stage.

ANNOUNCER: Kevin is a 36 year old attorney. He likes classic rock and loves to grow tomatoes in his back yard.

When the applause dies down, Fred holds the microphone to Kevin.

FRED: So you're an attorney, huh? What kind of law?

KEVIN: Contracts, mostly.

FRED: Great. Great. Where do you work?

KEVIN: Borough Hall.

FRED: So do you know how the game works?

KEVIN: I play it every day, Fred.

FRED: Well, for those watching at home, let's go over the rules: The name of the game is "Streetgang or Baseball Team" and the object is to decide within 20 seconds or less whether the group of baseball bat-wielding teenagers you just spotted on the sidewalk is a street gang looking for trouble or a baseball team coming back from a late afternoon game. Contestants who choose to try their luck win big money if they make the right choice. Contestants who choose wrong, well, Kevin help me out here...what happens?

KEVIN: (smiling) I get my ass kicked.

FRED: That's right. He gets his ass kicked. Of course, if you're not sure, you can always choose to "cross the street." What happens then, Kevin?

KEVIN: (thinking) I become a punk, right?

FRED: (nodding) The contestant reveals himself for the punk he is, which on our show means he has to pull a punk card and pay the consequences. (turns to Kevin) So Kevin, do you think you can do this?

KEVIN: I think I can, Fred.

FRED: Well then, let's go!

Fred and Kevin jog to a pair of seats. They sit down across from each other just like on "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?" Like Regis, Fred gets things started with a little informal patter.

FRED: So Kev...you get many baseball players down where you work?

KEVIN: Well, Yankee Stadium is only a block away, so, yeah, you could say so.

FRED: Wouldn't want to run into Jason Giambi and Bernie Williams in a dark alley, I bet?

KEVIN: Probably not, Fred. Probably not.

FRED: Great, so let's bring out the first group.

A trio of Puerto Rican teens come out. Each wears a baseball cap but the team logos don't match. The middle teen wields a 34 inch Easton aluminum bat and a menacing scowl.

FRED: So Kevin, you're walking through Hunts Point and these three gentlemen approach....What do you think?

KEVIN: Wow...a little tough, Fred. The colors don't match, so I'm not exactly sure if they're members of an organized team.

FRED: I'm with ya on that one. I mean, one guy has a Milwaukee Brewers cap. The other guy has a Texas Rangers cap. Those teams aren't even in the same league. And if I'm not mistaken, that's a vintage New Jersey Nets throwback tank, right?

KEVIN: Pretty mixed up. I'm feeling good about the mix, though. I usually don't think street gang unless I see a common color, red or blue especially.

FRED: Good eye. Ten seconds.

KEVIN: Hmm...I'm gonna try my luck.

FRED: You sure? I'd hate to see you get your ass kicked on the first try.

KEVIN: That aluminum bat seems like a dead giveaway. About the only people who use aluminum nowadays are baseball players trying to hit for power.

FRED: You're a regular Sherlock Holmes. What's the board say?

An assistant flips the card. The card reads "Baseball Team: Win $1000." Kevin breathes a sigh of relief

FRED: (excited) Baseball team! Great choice, Kevin. You just won yourself a thousand dollars. Are you ready for the next group?

KEVIN: Yeah.

The next group comes out. It's a trio of beefy looking white guys. Two have shaved heads. One of the guys has a bushy mustache. Each carries a wooden bat.

FRED: Whaddaya think?

KEVIN: Can I get a little context, Fred?

FRED: You just got off the Six train at East Tremont Ave. It's a little dark.

KEVIN: Hmm...Could be a buncha firemen coming back from softball practice.

FRED: Could be. Are you sure?

KEVIN: The shaved heads throw me a little bit, Fred. I know lots of cops and firemen like to wear the hair short, but it seems like a street look.

FRED: Not to mention the gold chains. You gonna cross the street?

KEVIN: I'm not sure.

FRED: Most violence occurs within racial groups, you know.

KEVIN: I do know.

FRED: You're white. These guys are white. Could be more trouble than you bargained for.

KEVIN: I'm feeling safe, though. The mustache is a definite fireman look. I'm gonna try my luck.

The assistant flips the card. Again, it's a baseball team. This time the prize is $2,000.

FRED: You've got $3,000 in your pocket. Any thoughts yet on what you'll do with it?.

KEVIN: No plans yet. I just want to get home safely.

FRED: I'm with ya on that. No sense in spending it all before you can bank it.

KEVIN: (feeling pressure) Yeah.

FRED: Ready for the next group?

KEVIN: I'm ready.

A third group walks out. The group is a trio of black teens. One wears a Red Stripe t-shirt and carries a nicked-up wooden baseball bat behind his neck, Warriors-style. The second wears a white doo rag and an L.A. Clippers jacket. The third is wearing a 50 Cent t-shirt and smoking a cigarette.

FRED: You're walking down Myrtle Ave. in Brooklyn, and these three suddenly emerge from the corner Bodega. Whaddaya think?

KEVIN: Wow, Myrtle Ave. I don't visit Brooklyn much. That's Fort Greene, right?

FRED: I think it is.

KEVIN: Which would mean you've got Fort Greene park nearby nearby.

FRED: Fort Greene Park, right.

KEVIN: But there's also tons of housing projects, too.

FRED: Tons.

KEVIN: I don't seem to recall any baseball diamond in Fort Greene Park.

FRED: Ten seconds, Kev.

KEVIN: I don't know. I'm getting a heavy gang member vibe, Fred.

FRED: What's the tip-off?

KEVIN: I think it's the Red Stripe shirt. I'm guessing the guy's from Jamaica and from what little I know about Jamaica, they prefer soccer to baseball down there.

FRED: Cricket, too. Pretty knee-jerk, though. Sure you're not racial profiling?

KEVIN: With $3,000 in my pocket, I'd racial profile Colin Powell. The doo rag also doesn't look right, either. I mean, if the guy's playing baseball, wouldn't he want a cap with a bill on it to keep the sun out of his eyes?

FRED: Maybe he left his cap in the bodega.

KEVIN: (stuttering) I'm...I'm gonna cross the street.

FRED: Gonna be a punk, are ya?

KEVIN: I don't want to lose my $3,000, Fred. I'm gonna play it safe.

FRED: Sounds like Kevin's gonna play punk. What's the penalty?

The card flips: "Donate to Giuliani 2008 Presidential Campaign Exploratory Committee: Lose $1,000." The crowd groans.

FRED: Ouch, Kev. Being a punk in New York City is costly. You just had to donate $1,000 to Mayor Giuliani's presidential election exploratory committee.

KEVIN: What's an exploratory committee?

FRED: I don't know, but you just donated $1,000 to it.

KEVIN: Well, I did vote for Giuliani twice. I'm sure it's money well spent.

FRED: Think he'd make a good president.

KEVIN: Mmmmaybe...

FRED: The good thing is you've still got $2,000. Guess right one more time and you win a shot at the big prize, $25,000. We've got one more group for before we have to go to commercial break. Are you ready?

KEVIN: I'm ready.

A trio of Mexican men walks out on stage. Again, the caps don't match, but the menacing looks do. A player in the middle holds two baseball bats under his arm.

FRED: You're coming out of Van Cortland Park and you see this group. What are ya thinkin'?

KEVIN: I'm thinkin', Do Mexicans even play baseball?

FRED: Sure. Remember Fernando Valenzuela?

KEVIN: He played for the Dodgers, right?

FRED: Threw a pretty mean screwball if I recall.

KEVIN: (bites lip) I just haven't heard of any other Mexican players since then, Fred.

FRED: The country has had a bit of a drought. Ten seconds, Kev.

KEVIN: I mean it's not like the Dominican Republic where people live for baseball. The Mexican guys I always see in the kitchen of my favorite restaurant, they usually wear soccer jerseys not baseball stuff.

FRED: A country that loves baseball and soccer. Go figure? Five seconds.

KEVIN: And yet, why would the guy in the middle have two bats?

FRED: Maybe he's their caddy.

KEVIN: Or maybe a new member, like a fraternity pledge thing.

FRED: Lotta maybes. Two seconds. Cross or Chance?

KEVIN: I...I...I just don't know

A BUZZER sounds.

FRED: (rising out of seat) Uh oh, times up, Kev. You didn't cross, so you've got no choice but to chance it.

Kevin nods, rises with Fred as they walk over to confront the group of Mexicans. When they come to a stop, Fred pulls out four $500 bills, licks his finger and counts them,.

KEVIN:(nervously) Clock seemed to get faster there at the end.

Fred: (puts arm around Kevin's shoulder) It always does, Kev. But then that's the way it is when you're in the streets, am I right?

KEVIN: (nodding grimly) It is Fred. It is.

FRED: So what do you think it was? Street gang or Baseball team?

KEVIN: I've got no choice, I suppose. Baseball team.

FRED: What's the board say?

The card flips. It reads "Both." Suprised noises come from the crowd followed by applause. The trio of Mexicans smile.

FRED: Oh my! It's a street gang and a baseball team. You were right to be confused, Kev. By the looks of them, I'd guess they were heading towards a game and you just happened to be an tasty morsel along the way.

As Fred talks, the Mexican with the two bats hands one to each of his comrades. He then pulls out a box-cutter. Fred stuffs the $2,000 into Kevin's shirt pocket as the trio surrounds him. With a sharp push, Fred sends Kevin tumbling into the gang's grasp. The boxcutter is soon under Kevin's chin and the money in the gang leader's hand. As the gang leader counts the earnings, the two men with baseball bats escort Kevin offstage for the awaiting beatdown.

FRED: Tough luck for Kevin. He coulda gone home with $6,000. Instead, he'll probably need at least that much just to pay for the bridge work. Good news for the next lucky contestant, though, who we'll introduce after a quick break. In the meantime, don't touch that dial. You wouldn't want to miss a single moment of , what's the name, folks?

AUDIENCE: (in unison) Streetgang or Baseball Team!



THE END